Kakairu
by Queen of Vegetasei
Summary: Iruka has been hit with a plot device. Oh, but it isn't any plot device, it was the worst kind. It was a Parody. And this one had the perfect pairing in its sights. [See Title] Shounen ai and not in the least bit serious.


Title: Kakairu  
  
Author: Queen of Vegetasei  
  
Rating: PG-13 for naughty language, innuendo and blatant use of clichés.  
  
Summary: Iruka has been hit with a plot device. Oh, but it isn't any plot device, it was the worst kind. It was a Parody. And this one had the perfect pairing in it's sights. [See Title] Shounen ai and not in the least bit serious.  
  
A/N: I love the Kakairu pairing really, but sifting through the fics of the pairing, I have noticed strange coincidences, and unexplainable behaviour. Putting them together, you have just about the silliest fic I can come up with ^^.  
  
~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~  
  
It was a sunny, perfect day in Konoha village. The skies were a perfect blue, the birds were having sex with the bees and a another convenient plot device sets itself loose on the unsuspecting village. Oh, but it is not just any plot device. Alas, it is the most dangerous of all plot devices, one that has no bounds or limits. It called itself a Parody.  
  
And this particular Parody has just the perfect pairing in its sights.  
  
"Iruka-sensei?"  
  
An odd feeling spread over the man in question, sending the hairs on the back of his neck up as he slowly turned around, a grin beginning to be forced on his face. It was the end of the school day, and this sensei was tired, mentally banging inside his head for freedom from the hellhole he called a workplace and escape from the little demons he called students.  
  
The Most Adorable Child You Have Ever Seen peered back up at him with wide adoring eyes.  
  
Iruka kept his grin in place. He had never seen this child before, but somehow, somewhere, he just knew it was a student. There was always one little tike that would persist in torturing him even when the school day had finally come to an end, when all the other children were sensibly stationed at home and losing the knowledge he had worked hard to drill into their heads at twice the speed he had taught it.  
  
"Yes?" But he kept grinning. He was a teacher. He would have to see them tomorrow, and the day after, and for god knows how long until they graduate. If they turned on him now, he was a dead man.  
  
"Iruka-sensei, can you teach me how to do this seal?"  
  
"Ah... " He did not know this child's name. In fact, looking at those Adorable features, he could hardly tell what sex it was. "Can it wait until tomorrow? Hokage-sama has called me for a meeting." That sounded credible.  
  
"But... " The Most Adorable Child He Had Ever Seen proceeded to do the Kicked Puppy Look.  
  
Iruka sighed, then bent down so their faces were level. "All right, show me what you're having problems with."  
  
"Is this how to do this seal?"  
  
He suddenly knew that something was definitely Wrong. For one thing, he had never seen that seal in his life. Second clue was the light effects as his body froze, the tightening in his chest definitely not a good sign.  
  
Iruka suddenly felt the urge to see Naruto. "Ah, that's perfect. I need... to see Naruto."  
  
The child smiled, watching the teacher walk off. It twiddled its fingers together, giggling before it faded into obscurity.  
  
~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~  
  
"Oi, there is something off about Iruka-sensei today." Sasuke stared at the dark haired man talking animatedly with a very uncomfortable looking Kakashi.  
  
"Something definitely strange about him today," Sakura agreed.  
  
Naruto couldn't say anything since he was currently tucked under Iruka's arm in a bundle off blankets.  
  
"-that last mission could have killed you all! In fact, you should stop taking them on missions completely! Naruto is only 6 years old! He's too young for that kind of thing! I could call you in on kidnapping! You FIEND! You scoundrel! You molester of young children! You-"  
  
Kakashi knew around 20 minutes ago when this tirade had first started that something was WRONG. Naruto was 15 now, though that wouldn't be such a sure thing since the boy was slowly suffocating in those blankets. He stared at the man in front of him, calling him an endless amount of insults.  
  
"I-Iie... Iruka-sensei I think you're mistaken-" Kakashi trailed off as Iruka went absolutely silent.  
  
"No one loves me. I am completely alone."  
  
Question marks flew over all four of their heads as Iruka spun and walked away.  
  
Naruto untangled himself from the wrapping of blankets. "What the fuck was that about!?"  
  
~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~  
  
"Hokage-sama, we think Iruka-sensei is under a curse of some sort."  
  
Tsunade lifted her eyebrows as three young ninjas stormed inside her office with the same exclamation. "What gives you that idea?"  
  
Naruto gestured crazily as Kakashi dragged in a weepy looking Iruka. "Just LOOK at him!"  
  
The Copy Ninja shrugged, looking helpless as suddenly, Iruka sprang up, pointing a finger at the 5th Hokage and nearly poking out an eye in the process.  
  
"NO! I WON'T GO OUT WITH HIM NO MATTER HOW MUCH YOU TRY YOUR DEVIOUS MATCH MAKING SCHEMES!" Iruka blinked, then slid a little closer to Kakashi. "Well... maybe."  
  
Tsunade raised an eyebrow. "I see."  
  
"He keeps flipping out like that!" Naruto screamed as Iruka was practically molded against Kakashi's front, the other Ninja looking surprised, but not exactly displeased. "He's doing that again!"  
  
"I have watched you for so long Kakashi-sensei... but I have never seen behind your mask. Can you show me? Can I see *all* of you? I am very curious," Iruka leaned up, his faces inches from Kakashi's.  
  
The Jouunin sweat dropped, hastily grabbing for his face mask once again as Iruka tried to peel it off.  
  
"Hm... I see," Tsunade repeated.  
  
"Well? FIX HIM!" Sakura was blushing beet red as Iruka started to nibble at Kakashi's neck. The silver haired Ninja still trying to fend him off his mask though he made no moves to extricate himself from the nibbling.  
  
"Ah... I see," Tsunade repeated.  
  
"You're ENJOYING THIS YOU OLD HAG!" Naruto accused.  
  
"Have you tried having Kakashi-sensei telling him to back off?" Tsunade suggested.  
  
Sasuke shook his head. "No, that's even worse."  
  
The Fifth looked pointedly with interest at the two figures. "Show me."  
  
Kakashi looked at her, then rolled his eyes, and gently pushed Iruka away from his collarbone. The single grey eye looked deeply and sternly into Iruka's. "Stop. I don't like you like that."  
  
Iruka completely froze, a shadow falling over his face. "I am so alone. My parents died. I love a man. I don't deserve to live."  
  
Minutes later, all five of them were struggling to pull Iruka away from the edge of a cliff, and grabbing weapons out of the man's hands as he tried to slit his own wrists.  
  
"Don't do it Iruka-sensei! You have so much to live for!"  
  
"Why can't you at least die like a Ninja?!" Sasuke screamed pressing his weight down while clinging around Iruka's waist.  
  
"No!! Let me go! I want the sweet oblivion of death! LET! ME! BE!"  
  
"Iruka! I love you!" Kakashi said almost wearily.  
  
Immediately the dark haired man spun around on his heels, once again pressed against the older Ninja, his eyes shining like stars. "Really?"  
  
Kakashi rubbed his temples with a hand. "Really."  
  
Tsunade nodded. "Ahhh. I see."  
  
"STOP SAYING THAT AND DO SOMETHING ABOUT IT BAA-SAN!!!" A vein started popping in Naruto's head.  
  
Sasuke gestured at Iruka. "He either does that, or if Naruto brings him out of it, he goes all 'motherly'."  
  
Sakura shuddered from a sudden recollection.  
  
The Fifth crossed her arms, staring with renewed interest as Iruka was now leaning up to nibble at Kakashi's lips through the thin cloth. Kakashi looked very much like he was enjoying that too. "Have you tried hitting him? Attacking him? Such as to say, knock some sense into him?"  
  
They shook their heads. Well, except Kakashi who had his head and face kind of busy.  
  
"Okay."  
  
A few more minutes and they were moved to a safer location, closer to the ground, but strangely, with a lot more cherry blossoms.  
  
Tsunade stood to one side, while Iruka, now having moved back to Kakashi's neck with his lips stood with the other Ninja in the centre of the open space.  
  
The three students faced them, looking determined and equally embarrassed. With a nod at each other, all three took out a kunai, and charged at the couple.  
  
Iruka suddenly spun, eyes wide. "YOU WILL NOT HURT HIM!" The man's chakara flared into existence, literally blowing them away with its power. A sword came out of nowhere, ornately designed, and brandished with a perfect 'battou' stance in Iruka's hands. Kakashi looked surprised.  
  
Tsunade slowly nodded her head. "I... see."  
  
"WAH! POWERFUL! When did Iruka-sensei get so powerful?!" Naruto sprang back onto his feet, looking shocked and impressed. Sasuke and Sakura reflected the look with their own facial interpretations.  
  
Iruka looked around, then, seeing no enemies, made the cool sword disappear... somewhere. "Can we go back to my place and have sex?"  
  
Kakashi's visible cheek flushed. "Eh... "  
  
Iruka blinked, eyes pin pointing on a suspicious pink covered book stored in Kakashi's breast pocket before fishing it out. "AAAAAIIIIIEEE! HENTAI!!!"  
  
Kakashi sighed, and took back the copy of Come Come Paradise, slipping it back inside his pocket. Naruto and Sakura slapped their foreheads in frustration.  
  
"I think..." Iruka began. They all turned to look at him. "I think I may be pregnant."  
  
"EH?!"  
  
Kakashi back away. "Whoa, I draw the line there buddy... " Iruka shrugged and launched himself at him.  
  
Tsunade furrowed her brows. "I see. Well. There can be only one way to fix this."  
  
The story ended.  
  
~  
  
Somewhere, somehow, the Parody giggled.  
  
~  
  
Qov: [Insert witty comment]  
  
Iruka: INSULT [on bad writing skills]  
  
Qov: RETORT!  
  
Iruka: COUNTER RETORT  
  
Qov: RIPOSTE  
  
Iruka: ADD ON RIPOSTE  
  
Qov: COUNTER RIPOSTE!  
  
Iruka: COUNTER COUNTER RIPOSTE! [Take that hah!]  
  
Qov: ^^ [Insert pathetic plea for reviews] 


End file.
